Modern dating is often criticized for changing dramatically, but one question is rarely asked: How much of today’s relationship problems can be traced back to what people were—or weren’t—taught growing up?

A common criticism of men today is that they don’t know how to lead, provide, fix things, communicate, take responsibility or fulfill traditional roles. But before asking why some men lack those qualities, perhaps another question should be asked: Who taught them?

For generations, fathers played an important role in teaching sons how to navigate adulthood, relationships, responsibility and fatherhood. When that guidance is missing, some men may be forced to figure those things out on their own.

The same issue can apply to daughters. Fathers can provide another perspective on relationships and potentially help their daughters recognize unhealthy behavior, manipulation or men who don’t have good intentions.

That doesn’t mean having an involved father automatically produces a good man or woman, nor does growing up without one automatically create relationship problems. People are far more complicated than that. But parental guidance can matter.

The conversation becomes even more complicated when people compare today’s men to their fathers or grandfathers.

A man coming of age today may be dealing with housing prices, student debt, healthcare costs, childcare expenses and other financial pressures that were very different for previous generations. Yet some young men are still being told they should follow the same blueprint: get a job, buy a house, become the primary provider and build a family.

The problem is that the economic environment has changed.

A man can work hard, earn a decent salary and still struggle to afford the lifestyle that was considered normal for previous generations.

That raises an important question for modern relationships:

Are we judging today’s men by standards created for an economy that no longer exists?

At the same time, there is another side to the conversation. Some people enter dating with extremely specific requirements: a certain income, height, education level, career, appearance and lifestyle.

Having standards isn’t inherently wrong. Everyone is entitled to decide what they want in a partner.

But dating is a two-way selection process.

If someone wants a partner who is highly educated, financially successful, physically attractive and established, that person also has the right to be selective about who they choose.

That’s where the conversation about reciprocity becomes important.

A relationship isn’t simply about what one person can receive from the other. It’s also about what each person contributes.

The most important qualities in a long-term relationship—character, communication, honesty, emotional maturity, loyalty, compatibility and the ability to work through problems—can’t necessarily be measured by a salary or a résumé.

Perhaps the larger problem with modern dating isn’t simply that men have changed or women have changed.

Perhaps people are entering adulthood with different experiences, different expectations and, in some cases, missing guidance from previous generations.

Instead of simply asking, “What’s wrong with men today?” or “What’s wrong with women today?” a more productive question might be:

What did we fail to teach the next generation about relationships, responsibility and choosing a partner?