Men Need Friends Too — But Are We Really Listening to Men?

There is a growing conversation about men and friendship, and the numbers are difficult to ignore.

Research from the Survey Center on American Life found that 15% of men report having no close friends, a figure that represents a dramatic increase from previous decades. About 1 in 7 men say they have no close personal friends at all.

The problem, however, may be bigger than simply asking, “Why don’t men have friends?”

Perhaps we should also be asking:

What kind of friendships are men looking for? And have we actually asked men why some of them have stopped looking for them?

The Friendship Gap

Men and women often experience friendship differently.

Research has found that men are less likely than women to turn to friends for emotional support. Only about 38% of men say they turn to a friend for emotional support, compared with 54% of women.

Men also spend less time socializing with friends than they did in previous decades.

There are several possible explanations.

Men frequently build friendships around activities—sports, hobbies, work, gaming, food, or simply spending time together. Those relationships can be meaningful, but they don’t always involve conversations about emotions, fears, relationships or personal struggles.

There is also the expectation that men should be independent.

A man may learn from an early age that he is supposed to figure things out, provide, solve problems and keep moving.

That can create an interesting contradiction.

A man can have plenty of people who know him without having many people he feels safe enough to truly talk to.

The Part of the Conversation That Can Get Missed

This is where I think some conversations about men’s friendships need another perspective: men themselves need to be part of the conversation.

There are articles and discussions in which wives or partners describe their husbands as men who don’t have friends, don’t want to go out, or have to be encouraged to socialize.

Partners can certainly provide valuable insight. But they aren’t necessarily the only people who can explain what is happening.

The man himself might have a completely different explanation.

Maybe he moved to a new city and had to start over.

Maybe his closest friends live somewhere else.

Maybe friendships that lasted 10 or 20 years fell apart.

Maybe he had a close friend who eventually betrayed his trust.

Maybe he has tried making friends and discovered that the relationship was mostly transactional.

Or maybe he simply doesn’t want another relationship where someone needs something from him.

That’s an important distinction.

Men Are Often Expected to Be the Helper

For many men, relationships can become heavily centered around what they can do for somebody.

Can you help me move?

Can you fix this?

Can you pick something up?

Can you give me a ride?

Can you help me with this problem?

Can you lend me money?

Can you solve this?

None of those things are inherently wrong. Friends should help one another.

But there is a difference between mutual friendship and feeling like your primary value to people is what you can provide.

Some men may eventually reach a point where they think:

“If every relationship comes with a responsibility, I’d rather just be by myself.”

That’s not necessarily because they hate people.

Sometimes it’s because solitude feels less demanding than another relationship in which they are expected to perform a role.

Showing Up Isn’t Always the Same as Being Yourself

Another issue deserves consideration.

Sometimes men are encouraged to socialize, but the expectation isn’t simply:

“Come and be yourself.”

It can become:

“Come, but behave the way everyone wants you to behave.”

Don’t be too loud.

Don’t tell too many jokes.

Don’t dominate the conversation.

Don’t be too serious.

Don’t be too much.

Don’t make people uncomfortable.

Don’t stand out too much.

That can create an unusual situation where a man is technically participating socially while simultaneously feeling like he has to turn parts of himself down.

And if someone repeatedly experiences social situations that way, eventually they may stop wanting to attend.

What About His Friends?

There is another part of the conversation that deserves attention: the people around the man.

Imagine a man develops a friendship with another man.

Then his partner says:

“I don’t know about that guy.”

Maybe she doesn’t like his reputation.

Maybe she doesn’t like the way he talks.

Maybe she simply doesn’t trust him.

Or perhaps the man has a female friend, and his partner becomes uncomfortable with the friendship even though there has never been anything romantic between them.

Those concerns can be legitimate relationship conversations. But they can also affect a person’s social circle.

If a man repeatedly hears that certain friends are bad influences, certain friendships are inappropriate, or certain people aren’t acceptable, he may eventually decide that maintaining friendships isn’t worth the conflict.

Then years later, someone asks:

“Why doesn’t he have any friends?”

The answer may be more complicated than “He doesn’t like people.”

Men Don’t Necessarily Have Trouble Making Connections

One thing that’s easy to overlook is that many men have no problem making surface-level connections.

Put two men in a room and give them something to talk about—sports, food, work, cars, music, their kids, hobbies—and a conversation can start almost immediately.

The difficult part isn’t always meeting somebody.

The difficult part can be finding someone you trust.

Someone you can tell a secret to.

Someone you can call when you’re struggling.

Someone who won’t use your vulnerability against you later.

That’s where friendship can become much more complicated.

Trust Changes Everything

Imagine a man finally opens up to someone.

He shares something deeply personal.

He talks about his relationship.

He talks about his insecurities.

He discusses something that happened to him years ago.

He tells his friend what he’s really feeling.

Then the friendship ends.

Suddenly, someone else has access to everything he revealed.

And if that information is later used against him, the lesson can become:

“Never do that again.”

That’s one possible reason some men become emotionally guarded.

It isn’t necessarily that they don’t have emotions.

It may be that they have learned to be extremely selective about who gets access to them.

What Some Women May Get Wrong About Men’s Friendships

This isn’t about blaming women. Women can have the same problems with friendship, and many women understand men’s struggles better than anyone.

But some assumptions about men deserve to be questioned.

A man being quiet doesn’t automatically mean he’s lonely.

A man staying home doesn’t automatically mean he doesn’t want friends.

A man having fewer friends doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong with him.

And a man not immediately opening up doesn’t mean he has nothing to say.

Men may simply have a different timeline for vulnerability.

A woman might meet someone and quickly develop a friendship based on conversation and emotional sharing.

A man may spend months—or even years—developing trust through shared experiences before he starts talking about the deepest parts of his life.

Neither approach is automatically better.

They’re simply different ways people can develop relationships.

Give Men a Voice in the Conversation

If we’re genuinely concerned about men’s friendships, men should be asked directly:

Why don’t you have close friends?

Not:

“Why doesn’t your husband have friends?”

Not:

“Why won’t your boyfriend go out?”

Not:

“Why doesn’t he socialize more?”

Ask the man.

Maybe he’ll tell you that he doesn’t have friends because he’s lonely.

Maybe he’ll tell you that he moved.

Maybe he’ll tell you his friends got married and disappeared.

Maybe he’ll tell you he became a father and his priorities changed.

Maybe he’ll tell you his closest friend betrayed him.

Maybe he’ll tell you that he doesn’t trust people.

Maybe he’ll tell you his relationship makes certain friendships difficult.

Maybe he’ll tell you that he actually likes being alone.

And maybe he’ll tell you something nobody expected.

That’s why the man’s voice matters.

Friendship Shouldn’t Be Another Job

There is a larger question underneath all of this.

What if men need relationships where they don’t have to constantly perform a function?

Not the provider.

Not the fixer.

Not the protector.

Not the problem solver.

Not the guy everybody calls when something needs to be done.

Just the friend.

The person who can sit down, eat something, laugh about something stupid, talk about sports, discuss life, or simply say:

“Man, I’m having a rough day.”

And know that somebody is actually listening.

Men need spaces where they can be useful, but they also need spaces where they can simply be.

The Goal Isn’t to Blame Anyone

The growing problem of male loneliness shouldn’t become another battle between men and women.

It should become a conversation about what both sides may be missing.

Women can have insight into the men they love.

Men have insight into their own experiences.

Researchers can provide data.

And society can examine how expectations around masculinity, work, relationships and family have changed.

But if we’re going to ask why men don’t have close friendships, men should have a seat at the table.

Because sometimes the person best equipped to explain why a man doesn’t have friends…

is the man himself.